Who wants to hear negative guidance or coaching? It certainly isn’t motivating!

It certainly isn’t motivating!

The last week of January is when many of us waver in maintaining our commitment to our January goal. The gray weather and negative thoughts can pull us down. This is a time of year that we need to check our perspectives and celebrate.

Negative thoughts can be generated from ourselves and from others. We can get into the tail-chasing of self-doubt and comparisons. Well-intentioned people around us take it upon themselves to coach us saying, ‘You should…” statements. In addition, the “Don’t do….” statements remind us of our weakness, emphasizing the preexisting behaviour that was not working for us. These statements are all rooted in negative thinking, judging and correcting. Who wants to hear negative guidance or coaching? It certainly isn’t motivating!

As parents and teachers, we take our jobs very seriously. Maybe too seriously? We often want to help our children and students with quick, directed behaviour which we believe will bring efficient success. Alternatively, maybe we need to chill out, breathe and first check how we perceive someone (or how we perceive ourselves). Does the saying “perception is reality” or does the self-fulfilling prophecy come to mind?

Take a look at this article. It sums up how personality traits can swing on a continuum. In addition, how do we choose to perceive others? We also have the choice to see the good things someone exhibits or the negative.

Here is a personal story from the middle of my teaching career. I was teaching at an exceptionally difficult inner-city school. Although the educational assistants were assigned to specific students, they spent less time 1:1 and more time roaming the halls and answering emergency calls in the classrooms, suffice to say a challenging and colourful work environment. Most of the staff had been teaching at this school for a long time. As the new teacher, I sensed that a number of teachers were very tired and seemed to be on the defensive.

One teacher presented as extremely stern. In the halls she rarely smiled at the children, she gave very specific directives and seemed very impatient. I would see her stand like a sergeant major in the hall where we would line up our students for classroom entry. A few times I smiled. She turned the other way or stared back. She curtly instructed me to line my class up away from her spot, then directed me to a very specific square on the floor. Okay, I thought, with a sigh.

One day I came up beside her within 10 inches or so and said, “Hi!”. No response. I was beginning to feel shunned and an outsider, especially with this gal. I wondered why she went into teaching if she seemed so unhappy. I remember going home asking myself what I needed to do. I concluded maybe I needed to dig deeper and work harder at seeing her positive side and not get discouraged. I needed to make an extra effort at finding ways to chat with her, maybe at lunch or in her classroom.

Following this decision, I slowly but surely tried to connect with her in more informal situations. I also visited her in her classroom with her kids and asked her for advice. I could see that she really cared for these students. Yes, her style was different from mine (not so free and easy) but from her perspective what these children needed was tight structure. I began to see a softer side of her. Funny when I was fixated on her tough unyielding persona I could see nothing else. It was a great learning experience for me.

When life delivers lemons, we have the choice to make lemonade. Our attitudes shape our perspectives. Our perspectives shape our responsive behaviour. Our responsive behaviour builds up or breaks down the relationships in our lives. Choosing to focus on the strengths of another person allows us to encourage, support and celebrate from a positive foundation. We end up increasing confidence, building relationships while helping others, and ourselves. Everyone wins, reaching their greatest potential.

I leave you with a poem I wrote several years after this experience. Let’s be the special friend to others (and ourselves), in seeing and fostering strengths that will help the achievement of goals.

Special Friends by MC Rolston 2007

Through our life we find special friends who teach us through

Their relentless devoted actions,

The meaning of love and loyalty

A bond, often without words

Yet, the depth of feeling

Passion

Commitment

Permeating peacefully pulsating respect that is untouchable and arresting

Like a vibrant arancia rising over a misty glass covered lake

Mysteriously touching and opening the hearts of those around with hopes

That once again they may be graced with such acts of kindness

Triggering the cycle …

Feeding the hungry soul with savoury inspiring moments.

Through our life we find special friends who teach us through

Articulated thoughts and visions

How to give birth to a dream with child like innocence, awe and wonder

Quizzically and cautiously tugging at the yarn of one’s mind

Gently assisting in the unraveling of the endless potential

Of what can be

Of what we want to be

Of what we need to be

Of what we will to be

With unconditional kindness and patience

Questioning us to challenge our own limitations

Yet, with love and understanding, allowing us to explore and make mistakes

Always there to help pick up the pieces or applaud without envy, the triumphs.

They feed the thirsty soul,

Gently touching parched lips with words, direction, heart and inspiration

Through our life we find

That as we grow with our special friends

It may seem that we consumed with satisfying our insatiable thirst and hunger

Fed by our dear special friends

Only to realize that we too have been feeding them

As we nurture and raise each other

To the highest level of

Distinction

Embracement

Love